When I retire, fewer than 1,000 days from today, I’m getting a red pickup truck. This purchase has been on my retirement agenda since I moved to Portland. (The Ram 1500 above is larger than I’ll need, but the apple red is just the color I’d want.)

Red pickup + dog (Ziggy adores car rides) + fab, funny, warm-hearted woman, is the dream. Two of three is acceptable, though.

When I retire, I’m going to drive around and do practical stuff for whomever needs it done.

My client base will be non-whiners and I won’t talk politics, which has become another form of whining.

The transaction will be thus. Could you help with X? Sure. Let’s do X. We complete X. Thanks for your help with X. You’re welcome. Bye!

One of the Xs will be plowing snow. Chelle, do you know how to plow snow? Nope, but I have practical family in Idaho. I’m pretty sure they’d teach me. (Practical is an understatement since they built their own barn for race horses and their home, in that order.)

Why snow plowing? Because the Portland metro area refuses to do it, for various reasons, none of which hold water to anyone who’s lived in even partial snow country.

I find it bizarre, but agree this area has other priorities. It would be helpful if businesses, apartment complexes and residences at least shoveled, but that only happens for 5 feet in front of the door, so if you parachuted in with pinpoint accuracy, your feet would be dry.

Our apartment complex is the only place shoveled for blocks in either direction. That’s because our maintenance man is recently from New Jersey and is in on the secret knowledge that, if you shovel the snow off the sidewalks, they won’t be snow covered. Shh… don’t tell!

Like most bad ideas, not shoveling comes with its own ridiculous justifications.

• Well, it only snows once a year or so
  • Great, so you only need to shovel once a year or so
• I don’t have a shovel
  • Buy one
• Using salt on the roads is bad for fish
  • See above. If it only snows once a year or so, using salt’s not likely to cause a big risk to the fish
  • Have you seen the other crap in our water? I’m not sure we care about fish
• It’s good for people to have a “forced” time to relax
  • Says who?
  • Thank you for revealing your class
  • Force and relax don’t belong in the same sentence
  • It is such an arrogant statement. If you want to stay home for four days, go for it. That doesn’t mean I want to.

So, I’m going to get a plow and plow out the people who ask me to, or strangers who look like they need assistance. And, for those who advocate waiting for rain as environmentally and psycho-socially desirable, I’m plowing you in.