How To Say Gay the Smart Way

Chelle’s Say Gay the Smart Way List

Several years ago Mom and I were discussing the current high pressure front of meanness toward the LGBT community, my community.

When I shared my frustration that some straight allies can be careless in their language, Mom had the practical suggestion of creating a “what not to say or do list”, similar to lists created, as an example, for what not to say to those who have received a life-altering medical diagnosis.

“Chelle’s Say Gay the Smart Way List,” offers a concise guide on how to engage respectfully with the LGBT community. It’s built on the core principle of being humble and self-regulating in new territory.

The guide is divided into two key sections:

Speaking with Care: This section focuses on using inclusive and respectful language. It advises using “gay” and “straight” as the preferred terms and mastering the acronym “LGBTQ.” It also addresses common conversational pitfalls, such as “minority clumping” and the harmful phrase “I don’t think of you as gay.” The guide clarifies that being gay is not a “lifestyle choice” and emphasizes that many gay people are proud of their identity and do not wish to be straight.

Acting with Compassion: This part provides practical advice on how to show genuine support. It discourages superficial gestures of allyship, like wearing safety pins or “Safe with Me” T-shirts, arguing that these actions are often self-serving. Instead, it encourages active engagement and connection, urging allies not to disengage out of fear of saying the wrong thing. The document concludes with a message of encouragement to speak up against anti-gay language, and resources for further education.

Speaking with Care

“Gay” and “straight” are preferred synonyms for “homosexual” and “heterosexual.” Use these terms to be respectful and current.
Be able to say LGBTQ without stumbling. A helpful tip is to learn it as a five-letter acronym, just like NCAA or SCUBA.
Avoid “minority clumping.” When a gay person shares the pain of homophobia, don’t reply by listing other groups who also face discrimination. While it’s true that others experience hardship, it’s not helpful to tell someone in pain that others are also hurting. Instead, listen to the person in front of you.
Being gay isn’t a lifestyle choice. “Active,” “traditional,” and “minimalist” are lifestyles. Gay is not. First, most of us believe we were born this way, which negates the element of choice. Plus, what does a “gay lifestyle” even mean? Farmhouse Femme? Coastal Trans? Groovy Gay?
Don’t say, “I don’t think of you as gay.” I want you to see me as gay. It’s who I am.
I do not wish I were straight. Being gay is most excellent. Any discrimination I face is a problem with straight people, not me. I often wish they would get their act together; I never wish I were straight.
Be thoughtful about displaying your “wokeness.” I tend to be cynical when straight people suddenly adopt the most current terminology. For example, “queer” is often considered an insider-only term, particularly for older generations of gay people. Respect that. If you are unsure, ask.

Acting with Compassion

It shouldn’t need to be said, but don’t wear safety pins or “Safe with Me” T-shirts. For the thousandth time, it’s not about you. Wearing these can be seen as an infantilizing and self-serving gesture.

Don’t disengage with the excuse, “I don’t want to inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings.” Join in! If a young man is wearing a sparkly top, for example, it’s okay to say, “That’s a festive shirt!” Most people appreciate the genuine effort to connect.

Finally, speak up! I love that my 87-year-old mom speaks up when she hears anti-gay language.

True allyship is an ongoing journey of learning and growth. While these tips cover the basics, there’s so much more to discover about the diverse and vibrant LGBTQ+ community. For those who want to deepen their understanding, here are some excellent resources to help you continue your education.

The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) is the largest civil rights group for the LGBTQ community. You can find great information on their website – http://www.hrc.org.

PFLAG – Has resources for Allies and the LGBTQ community – https://pflag.org/